Have you ever noticed how, when someone hurts you and apologizes, but you cannot forgive them, the villain is no longer the person who caused the pain, but the person who refuses, or is simply unable, to forgive? Suddenly, the original cruelty fades into the background and the attention shifts away from what was done and settles entirely on the wounded person: their bitterness their anger, their failure to let go.
People usually want to be good, so we force ourselves to move on. We reassure the people who hurt us, we tell them it is all right, even when it is not, because that is what good people do. Good people forgive. After all, we would want to be forgiven when we make mistakes, would we not? We must treat others the way we would want to be treated.
Enter religion. Enter Christianity. Even non-religious people are influenced by it. Particularly in Evangelical denominations, people are taught that the inability to forgive and forget comes from a lack of the Holy Spirit within them. In other words, they are told that what drives them is not God, but something demonic. This is not a joke. It is not an exaggeration. They tell you that everything tormenting your mind and soul, even depression, exists because you were never truly born again through Christ, or because you somehow lost your holiness. That the darkness inside you is proof that you have allowed Satan to take control, that you have become his puppet. So, of course you force yourself to forgive.
But even without religion that pushes people to act that way, people are expected to forgive. Otherwise, they are called bitter, hateful, poisoned by resentment. No one is willing to understand that the hatred might be a scar that still aches when pressed. No one wonders why forgiveness is always demanded from the wounded and so rarely earned by the ones who wounded them.
It is distressing, especially when the person who caused you pain insists on being forgiven right away and tries to make you feel guilty for not easing their conscience. It leaves such a heaviness in your soul, and you feel worse, because you are already burdened with everything that happened.
I suppose I am going to hell. I was not able to forgive, and I did not force myself to forgive. For once, I allowed the resentment to stay. And guess what? It did not make my soul heavier than before. It did not worsen my nights that are already critical, by the way. It did not necessarily make me feel any better, though I did experience a sense of liberation in no longer forcing myself to feel something against my will.
