I thought the movie was kind of cringe when it first came out. I also felt that it objectified girls, though back then I would not have been able to name what exactly unsettled me, because I did not have the words for it yet.
But I also remember liking it. I especially liked the girls’ boldness. My younger self thought Nadia was an “easy girl,” but even then, I could not help myself admiring her confidence.
Back then, I watched the movie alone and never admitted to anyone that I liked it, because enjoying such things was a sin. A Christian girl should never watch such depravity.
Earlier tonight, I stumbled upon American Pie on TV, and because my mind was weighed down by some heavy thoughts, I left it on. And it did its job. I laughed a lot. I got annoyed at the boys trying to take advantage of girls, then at the girls trying far too hard to please shallow boys. Then I laughed again.
And somehow, without even realizing it, the laughter turned into crying. Because I was one of those confused kids too. I was a girl who knew nothing. A girl who had been taught that, in order to be happy and safe in life, I had to believe certain things, behave in certain ways, and follow a set of rules decided long before I came along. Rules laid down by people no more enlightened than I was, who nevertheless paved the path and declared it righteous. And I struggled down that path. I did my best to keep up with everyone else.
Some of those kids in the movie eventually realize that the torment is not worth it. That there is no point in struggling toward something just because the people before you did the same. That maybe you do not have to keep walking the same path like sheep simply because the path is already there.
While I… I did not become lucid until far too late in life.
And so, watching those kids mature and begin to see themselves, each other, and the world with different eyes, I wept. I wept because I felt sorry for myself. Yet again.
But hey. What else is new?
